I am three months out from my surgery so my schedule is now sprinkled with follow up appointments.  I get to see my breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, physical therapist, podiatrist.  (The podiatrist actually has nothing to do with my surgery, but in a strange way it brings me back to normal and makes me laugh.)

This past Monday Jeff and I went to see my outstanding oncologist.  (That is not a sarcastic outstanding.  The man is outstanding.)  He asked me a bunch of what seemed like random questions.  I answered. 

He asked if there was anything we wanted to know. 

I smiled and said, “Sooooo, if we aren’t afraid of this cancer coming back, why is it that we get to spend so much time with you?”  In a very dramatic fashion, he put down the papers he had been holding in his hands, rolled his chair closer to me, leaned in and said, “Because I am afraid that it may come back.” 

He is an oncologist.  His job is to look for cancer.  I know this.

But his words shot through me.  He went on to explain that I have had cancer once.  (Knew that.)  That my body can “create” cancer.  (Got it.)  And that even though my case was relatively easy and there are tons of people who would change seats with me because their diagnoses are far more threatening, there is always a chance it will come back one day and if it were to do that, it would be ugly – bone, liver, lung, brain… something horrible. 

There is, of course, also a great chance that I will live a long and health life only to die of old age.  I would like to go with this attractive option, please.

I told him that his words made me want to cry and at the same time brought me relief.  You see, I wanted to cry because those words are terrifying.  I felt relief because in my soul, I felt that this was the reality of having cancer and it was oddly nice to hear someone say the words.  Surrounding me these last couple of months have been words like “we got it,” “it’s a bump in the road,” “I can’t believe it was so easy,” “it really didn’t seem like that big of a deal” and a myriad of other things that I have either said or people have said to me. 

But deep down, I knew it couldn’t be this easy. 

It’s pretty common for women who have had breast cancer to talk about a life-long fear every time they go to a doctor’s appointment.  I didn’t get that before. 

I get that now. 

Now I know that I will be nervous about every headache, pain in my bones, cough and that every time I go to see my doctor, my blood pressure will go up and I will smile through nerves.  This will become my new normal and through prayer and time, it will get easier. 

I am smart enough to know that I cannot let myself live in fear every day.  I am also smart enough to know that I need to embrace whatever emotion I am feeling at any given time.  And this week it is safe to say that I. Am. Afraid. 

This will pass, I promise.  But I feel better just to say the words, so I will say them again.  I. Am. Afraid. 

I went out for a walk Monday night.  I was by myself and had my headphones on.  The music seemed to get faster and I could feel my adrenaline flowing until I found myself in a nice steady run.  The wind was in sweeping past me.  My feet met the ground with ease for the first time in a long time.  My body felt good, but my heart was hurting.  I was lost in thoughts and prayer. 

And I realized I was crying when my tears hit my cheeks.  The words of one of my best girlfriends kept going through my head.  I had called her earlier in the day to share all of this with her and she kept saying, “It’s okay to feel like this.  Tina, it’s okay for you to feel like this.”  I’m not even sure that she knew she was saying it, but something about it was soothing and cathartic.

On my cool down headed home, one of my favorite songs came on and I thought of you and realized that today is the day for me to share my song with you, hoping that if you find yourself in one of those moods on one of those days, you will remember that it’s okay to feel like this and that we all need to think good thoughts.  I. Am. Good.  Hoping you are too…

I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll bury all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts

Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be...

...I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sun shining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts

I wanna think good thoughts

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be.